For this blog I interviewed my boyfriend about his male best friend. For the first question I asked him why he was close to his friend, and he answered “I’m close to my friend because I could be myself with him, we tell each other everything and I know no matter what he would always be there for me and he would never judge me”.

For the second question I asked what kinds of things do you like to do together, and he replied “We like to go out drinking, going to each others houses, listening to music while playing beer pong, we enjoy going to the casino, playing sports together, playing video games together and going to parties together; pretty much anything fun you could think of, I enjoy doing it with my friend”.

For the third question, I asked him if he ever told his friend how much he means to him, and how he reacted when he told him, and he answered “I only told him when we were drunk because when you’re drunk you say the truth, and he reacted in laughter because he was drunk too, but when we’re sober I would never tell him something like that because it’s not something manly to do; even though I do think it”.

Analysis: My boyfriend is like the usual norm of what being a “man” is. In “No man is an island: Men in relationships” Christopher Kilmartin states “the stereotypical imagine in the United States is that their relationships with one another focus on doing things together and tend to be emotionally shallow”(161). This example is just like his relationship with his friend, they do everything together that men tend to do but when it comes to emotion, the conversation stops and never gets deeper. I could tell when he says “even though I do think it” means he does really care about his friend but he’ll never bring himself to admit it or tell him because of his pride.

Interview:

Why are you close to your friend?

Him: I am close to my friend because I have known him for a long time. My best friend and I used to be neighbors. We have been playing and hanging out with one another since we were two years old. We used to live in the same apartment block. We would cross each others paths often and that’s how our friendship started. We started going to each others houses for supper and we would play outside together. As we grew up we found out we had a lot in common like sports, movies, and making each other laugh. Our relationship had grown so strong that even when we moved away from each other we still made sure to never lose touch. We now go to the same college together and share the same locker. We help each other through tough times like breakups and difficulties we encounter in life. We always have each others backs and that is why we are best friends. He is like a brother to me.

What kinds of things do you like to do together?

Him: Just being with him and passing time is enough. We enjoy playing sports like football and hockey together. My best friend and I love eating together and watching movies. We also enjoy playing video games such as league of legends and call of duty. We enjoy talking together whether it is about the stupidest things or the most serious things. We love going to parties with each other. We have an amazing bond together. My best friend and I support each other through everything and never judge each other.

Have you ever told your friend how much he means to you? If so what did you say and how did he react? If you have never told him how much he means to you, why not?

Him: I have never told my best friend how much he means to me. I feel as though my best friend already knows how I feel about him and how much I appreciate him. I feel as though explaining your love and feelings to someone is something that you do to your girlfriend or mother. Boys do not tell each other how much we love one another. We just show it by the things we do for each other. It is like a connection; a brotherhood.

Analysis:

I can tell by his answers that he is very close to his best friend. They seem to not only enjoy having fun together and going out but they also seem to be emotionally connected. As he said, “We enjoy talking together whether it is about the stupidest things or the most serious things.” As stated in the “No Man is an island: Men in Relationships” by Christopher Kilmartin on page 170, “Generally speaking, women often spend time talking about their experiences and feelings while men share activities (Lips, 2008).” I feel as though the male I have interviewed shows a different definition of what being a man is. He is not like the norm, He enjoys expressing his feelings which is great. It does not make him less of a man. Although the male I have interviewed is not shy to talk about his feelings to his best friend, he would never actually present his feelings for his friend himself. This makes him open to the fact that he can trust his friend to keep his secrets and feelings, demonstrating how great of a bond he has with his best friend but it will not allow him to verbally talk about how much he appreciates his friend. He does fall under the norm when Kilmartins’ story implies that men and boys tend to do activities together. They both play sports together and love eating or watching movies. the quality time they spend with one another seems to justify the lack of personal communications they have with each other and is more shown in the form of gestures. There are no I love yous when it comes to him and his best friend. It is but with a connection they know where there friendship stands.

By: Alexandra Rose Morgan Arseneau

When interviewing a male friend about their male best friend, I noticed many links between these men’s relationship and Kilmartin and Smiler’s work. When I asked my friend why they were so close to their best friend, they couldn’t immediately answer me. They told me this question was a hard one and then said that they became friends through playing football together. Clearly, this answer shows that their friendship is very activity-oriented. Indeed, they became friends through a common activity and became close through being on the same football team. This correlates to the theory presented in Kilmartin and Smiler’s work, which states that “male-only groups are often more activity based” (Kilmartin and Smiler 169). Studies prove that male friendships revolve more around activity, which is obviously the case here.

I also asked my friend about the kinds of things he likes to do with his best friend. He told me that it’s almost never just the two of them, they’re often hanging out as a group, mostly playing cards. This, again, relates to the theory presented in “No Man is an Island: Men in Relationships”. Indeed, these boys are clearly very activity-based, since my friend insisted on him and his friends almost always sitting around a deck of cards and playing a card game. The fact that his best friend and him almost never hang out alone also stood out to me and made me think about how other men I knew around me also tend to hang out in groups, again always “with the boys”. Moreover, I noticed that the activities that they do together do, in fact, involve some conversation. Besides playing cards, my interviewee told me that they sometimes go out to eat, or “just hang out”, which isn’t as activity-based and is obviously more conversation-involved.

Lastly, I asked my male friend if he has ever told his best friend how much he means to him. After some hesitation, he told me that he has told his best friend a few times that he appreciates him, but that his best friend is not “that kind of guy” and would tell him to “not be weird”. This, again, is very common among male-male friendships according to Kilmartin and Smiler. As stated on page 170, “the expression of closeness between men often takes the form of continuing to spend time with each other and helping each other with tasks weather than more direct expressions such as touching, or saying “I like you””. It is also suggested that boys have a harder time dealing with emotion, since they have always been taught to keep it all in, which explains why some boys might feel that their friendships aren’t very intimate. While I cannot assume anything about the relationship between my interviewee and their best friend, it is proven by many studies presented in “No Man is an Island” by Kilmartin and Smiler that many boys don’t know how to express their feelings and feel, therefore, like their relationships lack intimacy.

1) Why are you close to your Friend? Be specific

“The reason i am close to my friend is because we are similar. We have been friends since we were 3 years old. We first met in kindergarten and have been friends ever since. i feel like the reason we get along together so well is because we naturally click. For example this friendship is never forced and most importantly he is someone who i can say anything to and not be judge. Now that we are are older we don’t see each other as often as we used to but it doesn’t affect our relationship as we still talk on social media and we play sports together.”

2) What kinds of things do you like to do together

“The things we like to do together are playing sports and playing online. The sports we like to play together are basketball, soccer and hockey. Although i am not very good at hockey it is still a sport i enjoy playing because its a sport my friend enjoys playing. When playing online we play ps4 together almost everyday and it keeps us in contact together as well as having fun together. The games we play together are fortnite, nba 2k20 and ufc sports.”

3) Have you ever told your friend how much he means to you? If so, what did you say and how did he react? If you have never told him how much he means to you, why not?

” No I haven’t told him how much he means to me because i guess it never crossed my head. I guess its because he knows how important he is to me because we have been friends for a long long long time.”

The person I interviewed for this blog post is my boyfriend. I asked him these three specific questions and this was his response:

Me- Why are you close to your friend?

Boyfriend- I’m close to my friend because he’s not just my friend he’s my best friend. He’s like a brother to me. We like to do the same things on our free time such as playing basketball and playing video games. Our families grew up together which made us feel like brothers. We are always at each others houses. We also went to the same school which made us bond together. We like the same stuff when it comes to food, hobbies, etc. We tell each other everything even our darkest secretes without judging one another.

Me- What kind of things do you like to do together?

Boyfriend- My Best friend and I like to play basketball together on a daily basis without getting tired of it. We like to spend family quality time with our families. We love spending time with our girlfriends as much as we can. We like to go over to one another’s house to play video games such as 2k and fortnite.

Me- Have you ever told your friend how much he means to you? What did you say and how did he react?

Boyfriend- Yes I’ve told him how much he means to me not just because he’s a best friend to me but hes actually a brother to me since I am the only child. When I told him he said it right back to me he wasn’t shocked or anything because we felt the same way. I remember we were playing video games at my house when i said it and after he said it back we hugged it out and then got back to the game.

• Why are you so close?
• “Iv’e been friends with him it’s been 11 years. He’s probably the only person that I can genuinely trust because he feels that way too. We think alike, we both are motivated and driven. We both have huge ambitions in life and constantly motivate each other. We both have almost the same mentality and vision on life and everything really, which makes us pretty identical but at the same time we are very different which makes our friendship so diverse. We both want the success of one another. We value each-other so much and treat each other like brothers. Every time I go to his house I feel like home. He is the only person that I can turn my back on and not worry what’s going on behind me. He is a very unique person, if you talk with him you’ll realize that he is not like anybody else, he doesn’t think the same way as general people would, in a good way. He’s a life friend, I’d even certainly consider him as a real brother. I want to see him shine in life.”

• What kinds of things do you like to do together?
• “Anything. There isn’t a specific thing or event that we get together to do. We do anything that we feel like doing honestly. We mostly hang out with other friends too, we both are crazy about cars and have a couple of friends that have cars so we meet up together then go out to eat and drive around the city. We also go the gym together after school. Besides that he casually comes to my house and we go out someplace with other friends.”

• Have you ever told your friend how much he means to you? If so, what did you say and how did he react? If you have never told him how much he means to you, why not?
• “Yes I have told him. At this point, we’ve known each other for a decade and I feel comfortable expressing myself in front of him. It doesn’t even feel like something hard to express it just comes natural to me. When I told him that, he wasn’t surprised at all nor shocked because the feeling is mutual and we both know it, to the point where if he were to answer these questions, I know that they would be somewhat identical.”

Analysis

When I interviewed this person about his friend, I could sense that he was somewhat excited to talk about his friend which was a clear sign to me that he genuinely liked and appreciated his friend and looked at him as a brother, as he stated in the interview. Kilmartin points out that men get uncomfortable when the discussion is about emotion, but this male had no problem whatsoever expressing his honest feeling about his friend because he regarded him as a loyal brother instead of a guy that he plays video game with on the weekends. They actually spend time together living their lives and motivate each other, they wish to see the growth of one another and that for me is a real friendship. The interviewee showed so much strong emotions in his answers that completely go against the traditional idea of how a man to man relationship is.

• What kinds of things do you like to do together?
• The things we do the most together would be sports like basketball or football, ps4 and eat.

• Why are you close to your friends?
• Because he’s a loyal friend since day one. We meet through basketball. We play together every Friday and started to go eat after, that’s how we became friends.

• Have you ever told your friend how much he meant to you? If no, why not?
• No, never. I just know that he knows he means a lot to me. The closest things to express my feeling would be like “I feel you bro” or “I fuck with you”

•  Did ever have a deep conversation about your feeling with your friend? How did you feel after that?
• Yes, 2 or 3 times. “relief” is the only world that I have to tell you have I felt.

• Why don’t you have those kinds of conversations more often?
• I don’t know, it felt awkward like it’s more difficult to have those kinds of conversations with a guy that a girl. Also, I feel like if I talk about what bothers me too often he would that I’m too sensitive.

• Why would girls be easier to talk to?
• Like girls are more empathetic than my guy friend. I feel like she would understand me more than the guy.

 In “ No men is an island: Men is relationships” by Christoper Kilmartin, he stated that “the most important attributes of a close or best male were knowing that he would be there for you, stand up for you,”. For the interview, my friend said that loyalty is the reason why he and his best friend are close. A male-male relationship has a lot of competitive behaviour. The reason why he gives that answer is that he feels like if he tells his best friend his weakness, he uses wouldn’t use it against him.

Also, at some point in the text, “ No man is an island: Men is relationships”, Kilmartin mentions how men get uncomfortable when it comes to talking about their feeling to other men. The three last answers that my friend has proved the point perfectly. he tries to minimal deep conversations, he would have with this best friend even though he felt relief after talking to him just because he felt awkward to share his feeling with his friend.    

INTERVIEW 

Me: Why are you close to your friend?

Him: Well, we meet in secondary 3 in French class and started talking about how we were going to fail this class because of the teacher’s high demands. And ya it started off with that conversation and later on we became good friends. We relate to lots of things like we love playing video games, eating pizza, and playing basketball. So ya, as we continued to hangout, we became very close, we open up to each other about most things basically. 

Me: What kinds of things do you like to do together?

Him: like I said we love playing video games and stuff. Actually, since last summer we enjoy going out in downtown to eat. 

Me: Have you ever told your friend how much he means to you? 

Him: I don’t think I ever told him “I love you” but when it’s his birthday I do express by love to him. He’s my best friend, I am happy when I am with him and trust him always. 

Me: How did he react when you talked about your love towards him on his birthday? 

Him: Well, he said thank you and told me that he loves me too and considers me part of his family. And in my culture, when somebody say “we consider you part of my family” that means that there is no going back. Meaning even in conflict, you have to love that person unconditionally.

END

ANALYZING 

The person I interviewed answered the questions with lots of emotions. They didn’t portray their friend as only a buddy. Like a person that you only hangout with to play video games or sports. He talked about his friend like as if they were already brothers. The fact the he showed his love towards his friend, totally scratch the stereotypical picture of a male-male relationship. They have an emotional intimacy. They not only talk about sports but also talk about their hopes and dreams without being ashamed. And that right there is the REAL definition of best friends.

1. Why are you so close with your friend?

He is very close his friend because they understand each other. They know about each other a lot. His friend is always here for him when he needs his help and support. He knows what makes him mad and happy. His friend is more of a brother than a friend

2. What kinds of things you like to do with each other?

They like to chill around, drive, eat outside and play videogames.

3. Have you ever told your friend how much he means to you? If so, what did you say and how did he react? If you have never told him how much he means to you, why not?

He does tell him how much he means to him on special occasions like his birthday. He also said that he’s like a brother to me, someone I’d never want to lose and always be close with him.

In a short interview that I conducted with a man about friendship, he revealed some things about homosocial male friendships that I, as a woman, would not be privy to. He told me that he and his friends pretty much only spend time together through online games like League Of Legends where they fight a common enemy and accomplish tasks side by side. In Kilmartin’s definition of relationships found in No Man is An Island: Men in Relationships, the kind of companionship he speaks of would be more attributed to the term “buddy” because these men only share an activity and do not show any level of emotional vulnerability or support.

In fact, my interviewee even went as far as to say that if someone were to even attempt to open up/be heartfelt to him or in the group setting, it would be uncharacteristic to their dynamic and would make people uncomfortable. A direct quote from him in this interview: “talking about your feelings in ANY conversation is a mood-killer”. What most conversations revolved around banter and playful slights at each other (other than pleasantries, small talk and the task at hand). The latter of these things serves as a type of competition, to establish a hierarchy of sorts since, according to Kilmartin, male conversations typically involve them taking turns at sharing a monologue with the group, the next person trying to one-up the last person and thus, effectively demonstrating dominance over the others.