“Love is not only meant for lovers. It is also for friends who love each other better than lovers.”

Thoughts

What is a SOULMATE? As defined by Google, “a soulmate is someone that just gets you. It’s a connection of minds, a mutual respect, an unconditional love and a total understanding. It’s about being yourself and knowing, not only that person is following and understanding your thoughts, but is right there with you, side by side.” Intimacy is a big NO in the american stereotypical male to male friendship, but it isn’t the case for everyone.

As I interviewed a male friend of mine, I can hear his emotion and sincerity in his answers. He was very embarrassed and shy to open up about the topic of intimate friendship/ best friend, because just like any friendship between men, talking intimately is like a taboo.

First of all, as he answered the first question, he said that he was very close to his friend, because a few years before they met, he was going through a very hard situation and as it get worst, he met his friend and brought him back hope as he was morally supporting him and never gave up on him even if he was at his worst. As mentioned in the chapter eight of “The Masculinity Self, No Man is an Island: Men in Relationships”, of Kimmel, same-sex best friends could go through the point where they commit to each other as much as it is said in a marriage vow, such as for better, for worst, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do them apart. I find it very endearing to hear that they commit to each other and to hear that this sort of friendship can also happen not only between women, but also men. I guess that as time goes by, we, as human, are indeed evolving to be more accepting than we were a few centuries back.

Second of all, my interviewee said that he really cherishes every moment he spent with his best friend. For example, going out together in a way where they go eat, watch cinema, playing video games, as well as having some occasional intimate talks. In addition, he also said that the slightest thing such as walking together was a very enjoyable things to do together. As I analyze his answer, I noticed that the friendship between him and his best friend was not the typical friendship described by Kimmel. An invisible sexual barrier does not exist between them, which made it possible for them to have an intimate conversations. They don’t seem to be bothered by what the society thinks of them and they seem to trust each other to the point where they can be very vulnerable to each other.

Finally, my male friend told me that he did say how important his friend is, but in a very discrete and superficial way. He said that it is still embarrassing to say intimate words to describe his feelings to his friend despite being so close. He also assumes that his friend can sense it and already know how important he is for him, given the fact that they have been through a lot of ups and downs together. I guess that even if they have shown affection toward each other, a part of a traditional definition of masculine will always linger around there thoughts.

In conclusion, my interviewee does not have a typical/traditional friendship that the society has enforced men and they have overcome a lot together, including the sexual barrier that stops men from showing there affections/feelings toward someone of the same sex (not in a lovey-dovey way, but as friends). I do hope that more men will step out of the box and be less insecure of how the society perceives them if they lack some of the “manly” assets and/or show how much they value there friendship (with men).

I asked my male friend about his relationship with his best friend and his answer kind of shook me. As talked since the beginning of this class and as mention in the text, we expect men to not express their feeling, and to talk about girls, parties, drinking, and sport instead. But when I asked my friend about what he was talking about with his best friend his answer surprised me. He told me that his friend and he were usually talking about their social problems together and asking the other one advises about what they should do. Of course, they do talk about sports, just like girls like to talk about other stuff than their problems but despise what we expect from a male-male relationship, they do talk about more intimate subjects. My friend also told me that after a long time without seeing his friend, he told his best friend how much he meant to him and that he didn’t want to lose him, and his friend responded that it was reciprocal. It means that they are at a state where they can really express what they feel without being called gay or judge by the other one. Also, in the text “No man is an Island: Men in Relationship” they talk about a hierarchy that is usually present between friendship. Unlike what they mention in the text, I really do feel that their relationship is based on respect and that none of them is trying to take advantage of the other one to be more “powerful”. As mention earlier, they are both really close to each other and they tend to talk about their weakness to the other one without being scared that it will be used against them. They have built a true and strong friendship between each other, without really following the norms of what a friendship between two men should look like.

My male friend says he is close to his male best friend due to the fact that they’ve known each other for quite some time, that they share the same interests and that they’re open to telling their secrets to each other. For things they like to do together, he said that they like to converse a lot. Not just about their activities, but also about their feelings. When they converse, they also relate to the gender norm where men are competitive with each other, but they also have a bit of intimacy in their conversations. Moreover, he has told him before how he’s felt about him. He told him how his friend is like a brother to him and his friend replied the same thing.

After interviewing my friend about his relationship with his best friend I realized that he is a mix of what defines male-to-male and female-to-female relationships. Firstly, because they are friends who like to be competitive, like betting on something or arguing about a silly matter which is very common in male groups, but they also like to get somewhat intimate and talk about their feelings and problems. They also hug each other when they greet each other. Secondly, they’ve told each other what they mean to each other, which show how emotionally open they are to each other, but when they converse, they speak “side to side” and not “face to face” (p.169) because he told me that he feels somewhat uncomfortable or more vulnerable when speaking face to face with his male friends, but with women, he is not as uncomfortable.

Overall, they share an intimate friendship both physically and emotionally. They share a level of intimacy in which they can share personal things to each other and not be scared to. These things describe how to build relationships and how growing relationships should be. They both do male-bonding and answer each other’s intimate/emotional needs (p.169).

1. Why are you close to your friend?

Answer: He said that he’s close to his friend because he feels as though he can freely express himself without being judged in front of him and that he can tell him how he feels and how he can tell him personal things, because of how much he trusts him. The way he described their relationship shows that they have a close relationship, almost like brothers

2. What kinds of things do you like to do together?

Answer: He said that he likes to hangout with his best friend, go for a drive or just go anywhere, to chill and have a conversation. He also mentioned that he simply likes his company and that being with him just genuinely makes him happy because of how they understand and trust each other.

3. Have you ever told your friend how much he means to you? If so, what did you say and how did he react? If you have never told him how much he means to you, why not?

Answer: Yes, he has told him how much he means to him because he doesn’t feel the need to hide that because he wanted to let him know that he is an important part of his life and that he has helped him through many tough times. He further said that, he doesn’t hide his true emotions when it comes to his close friends. Furthermore, he told me that his friend was extremely happy to hear that he was appreciated.

Analysis:

From what i understood, my friend and his best friend have a unique relationship, where there is a lot of trust and support from one anther. The friendship they have almost enters into family-hood, the way they almost have no filter and are open about everything shows how different they are to other type of friendships.This also shows that they are not scared to show their emotions and disregard what society deems as a real man, someone that doesn’t express themselves and someone that doesn’t show their true emotions. In “No man is an island: Men in relationships” Christopher Kilmartin states that men have have many buddies but few true friends and that the formation of emotional support develop over time by spending more time with that person and is the result of an indirect process. This holds true to these friends too because they said that they only consider each other true friends and that it did not happen immediately, rather this occurred over a long period of time after really getting to know each other.