When I asked the person why he is close to his friend, I expected the person to ask for a few minutes to think about it, but he didn’t. He says that they have known each other since kindergarten, plus he is very honest. They would always be there for each other when they need help and they are always ready to hang out. He ends off this question by saying that he and his friend have a great understanding.

Then, I asked my subject what he and his friend enjoy doing when they are together. The subject replied that enjoy talking and hanging out. They would go out, play some sports, go get something to eat, or they would stay home and play video games. They also like to talk about stuff, mostly about how their lives are going and what’s new.

As for the last question of letting the person know if you appreciate them, the subject never told him his friend how much he appreciates him. Other than calling his friend his brother, the subjects says there is no recollection that the subject can think of. They both know that they appreciate each other even if they don’t tell each other.

Analysis: The text says the same thing about men being emotionless and not intimate with people from the same sex. However, the text also says that because of such, men will not have a good relationship with others. Therefore, if you don’t have that intimacy with someone, you cannot qualify them as being your best friend. Best friend, are two friends who are “emotionally intimate”, which you cannot have if you are scared of it. From how my subject describes his relationship with his friend, he has a pretty intimate relationship, with a friend who is reliable and trustworthy.

For the first question, “Why are you close to your friend? Be specific”, the person answered the question without hesitation and seemed to me like he already asked this question to himself before. He said ” I am close with my friend because he is always fun to be around. I can definetly trust him since we share our own little secrets together and have never told anyone about it even when we get into a heated argument. I consider him as my brother, he supports me emotionally and always push me to better myself.”

For the second question, “What kind of things do you like to do together?”, He answered by saying “Well, we basically do what other people are doing these days. We play games on my console when were bored, we go to Downtown to shop or eat in a restaurant like Seoul chako or Mon Ami and we also try to watch the latest movies in the cinema. Honestly, the places we go to doesn’t really matter since it’s our conversations that makes it ten times more enjoyable.”

For the third question, “Have you ever told your friend how much he means to you? If so, what did you say and how did he react? If you have never told him how much he means to you, why not?”, He confidently answered by saying ” Yes of course I have. I thanked him for being my best friend and sticking to my side for years during a party. Maybe it was the alcohol that made me say that but regardless I still meant it. We were pretty drunk that day so he only said a few words to thank me but once we were completely sober, he brought it up again and told me that it really means a lot to him that I said those words during the party and also told me that he considers me as family.”

For the first question, “Why are you close to your friend?”, he answered “I enjoy being around them and their presence. I can share secrets that normally I wouldn’t tell to other people, they are someone I can really trust. We have a lot of inside jokes together where basically no one can understand us.”

When I asked him what are things he likes to do together with his best friend, he said he enjoys talking about life in general with them, playing video games, especially League of Legends and Minecraft where they mess around often. They enjoy catching up when they haven’t communicated with each other in a while. They can joke around with a lot of things without having the feeling of getting judged by other people, it feels a lot more natural.

He has never told his friend how much they mean to him, because he says that when you are so close with someone, you don’t really have the need to tell them how you feel about them. The other person also reciprocates those feelings. The bond between the two is really tight.

After interviewing my friend, I realized that lot of his answers were things that were talked about in Kilmartin’s article “No Man is an Island: Men in Relationships”. His best friend was someone that he could joke around a lot with, as was described to be one of the things men enjoyed the most of their best friends in pages 161 and 163 of the article. They enjoy playing video games with each other like most guys do with their friends. His best friend is someone he can really trust, he could tell him things that he would tell to only a select few people.

“Love is not only meant for lovers. It is also for friends who love each other better than lovers.”

Thoughts

What is a SOULMATE? As defined by Google, “a soulmate is someone that just gets you. It’s a connection of minds, a mutual respect, an unconditional love and a total understanding. It’s about being yourself and knowing, not only that person is following and understanding your thoughts, but is right there with you, side by side.” Intimacy is a big NO in the american stereotypical male to male friendship, but it isn’t the case for everyone.

As I interviewed a male friend of mine, I can hear his emotion and sincerity in his answers. He was very embarrassed and shy to open up about the topic of intimate friendship/ best friend, because just like any friendship between men, talking intimately is like a taboo.

First of all, as he answered the first question, he said that he was very close to his friend, because a few years before they met, he was going through a very hard situation and as it get worst, he met his friend and brought him back hope as he was morally supporting him and never gave up on him even if he was at his worst. As mentioned in the chapter eight of “The Masculinity Self, No Man is an Island: Men in Relationships”, of Kimmel, same-sex best friends could go through the point where they commit to each other as much as it is said in a marriage vow, such as for better, for worst, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do them apart. I find it very endearing to hear that they commit to each other and to hear that this sort of friendship can also happen not only between women, but also men. I guess that as time goes by, we, as human, are indeed evolving to be more accepting than we were a few centuries back.

Second of all, my interviewee said that he really cherishes every moment he spent with his best friend. For example, going out together in a way where they go eat, watch cinema, playing video games, as well as having some occasional intimate talks. In addition, he also said that the slightest thing such as walking together was a very enjoyable things to do together. As I analyze his answer, I noticed that the friendship between him and his best friend was not the typical friendship described by Kimmel. An invisible sexual barrier does not exist between them, which made it possible for them to have an intimate conversations. They don’t seem to be bothered by what the society thinks of them and they seem to trust each other to the point where they can be very vulnerable to each other.

Finally, my male friend told me that he did say how important his friend is, but in a very discrete and superficial way. He said that it is still embarrassing to say intimate words to describe his feelings to his friend despite being so close. He also assumes that his friend can sense it and already know how important he is for him, given the fact that they have been through a lot of ups and downs together. I guess that even if they have shown affection toward each other, a part of a traditional definition of masculine will always linger around there thoughts.

In conclusion, my interviewee does not have a typical/traditional friendship that the society has enforced men and they have overcome a lot together, including the sexual barrier that stops men from showing there affections/feelings toward someone of the same sex (not in a lovey-dovey way, but as friends). I do hope that more men will step out of the box and be less insecure of how the society perceives them if they lack some of the “manly” assets and/or show how much they value there friendship (with men).

I asked my male friend about his relationship with his best friend and his answer kind of shook me. As talked since the beginning of this class and as mention in the text, we expect men to not express their feeling, and to talk about girls, parties, drinking, and sport instead. But when I asked my friend about what he was talking about with his best friend his answer surprised me. He told me that his friend and he were usually talking about their social problems together and asking the other one advises about what they should do. Of course, they do talk about sports, just like girls like to talk about other stuff than their problems but despise what we expect from a male-male relationship, they do talk about more intimate subjects. My friend also told me that after a long time without seeing his friend, he told his best friend how much he meant to him and that he didn’t want to lose him, and his friend responded that it was reciprocal. It means that they are at a state where they can really express what they feel without being called gay or judge by the other one. Also, in the text “No man is an Island: Men in Relationship” they talk about a hierarchy that is usually present between friendship. Unlike what they mention in the text, I really do feel that their relationship is based on respect and that none of them is trying to take advantage of the other one to be more “powerful”. As mention earlier, they are both really close to each other and they tend to talk about their weakness to the other one without being scared that it will be used against them. They have built a true and strong friendship between each other, without really following the norms of what a friendship between two men should look like.

My male friend says he is close to his male best friend due to the fact that they’ve known each other for quite some time, that they share the same interests and that they’re open to telling their secrets to each other. For things they like to do together, he said that they like to converse a lot. Not just about their activities, but also about their feelings. When they converse, they also relate to the gender norm where men are competitive with each other, but they also have a bit of intimacy in their conversations. Moreover, he has told him before how he’s felt about him. He told him how his friend is like a brother to him and his friend replied the same thing.

After interviewing my friend about his relationship with his best friend I realized that he is a mix of what defines male-to-male and female-to-female relationships. Firstly, because they are friends who like to be competitive, like betting on something or arguing about a silly matter which is very common in male groups, but they also like to get somewhat intimate and talk about their feelings and problems. They also hug each other when they greet each other. Secondly, they’ve told each other what they mean to each other, which show how emotionally open they are to each other, but when they converse, they speak “side to side” and not “face to face” (p.169) because he told me that he feels somewhat uncomfortable or more vulnerable when speaking face to face with his male friends, but with women, he is not as uncomfortable.

Overall, they share an intimate friendship both physically and emotionally. They share a level of intimacy in which they can share personal things to each other and not be scared to. These things describe how to build relationships and how growing relationships should be. They both do male-bonding and answer each other’s intimate/emotional needs (p.169).

1. Why are you close to your friend?

Answer: He said that he’s close to his friend because he feels as though he can freely express himself without being judged in front of him and that he can tell him how he feels and how he can tell him personal things, because of how much he trusts him. The way he described their relationship shows that they have a close relationship, almost like brothers

2. What kinds of things do you like to do together?

Answer: He said that he likes to hangout with his best friend, go for a drive or just go anywhere, to chill and have a conversation. He also mentioned that he simply likes his company and that being with him just genuinely makes him happy because of how they understand and trust each other.

3. Have you ever told your friend how much he means to you? If so, what did you say and how did he react? If you have never told him how much he means to you, why not?

Answer: Yes, he has told him how much he means to him because he doesn’t feel the need to hide that because he wanted to let him know that he is an important part of his life and that he has helped him through many tough times. He further said that, he doesn’t hide his true emotions when it comes to his close friends. Furthermore, he told me that his friend was extremely happy to hear that he was appreciated.

Analysis:

From what i understood, my friend and his best friend have a unique relationship, where there is a lot of trust and support from one anther. The friendship they have almost enters into family-hood, the way they almost have no filter and are open about everything shows how different they are to other type of friendships.This also shows that they are not scared to show their emotions and disregard what society deems as a real man, someone that doesn’t express themselves and someone that doesn’t show their true emotions. In “No man is an island: Men in relationships” Christopher Kilmartin states that men have have many buddies but few true friends and that the formation of emotional support develop over time by spending more time with that person and is the result of an indirect process. This holds true to these friends too because they said that they only consider each other true friends and that it did not happen immediately, rather this occurred over a long period of time after really getting to know each other.

For this blog I interviewed my boyfriend about his male best friend. For the first question I asked him why he was close to his friend, and he answered “I’m close to my friend because I could be myself with him, we tell each other everything and I know no matter what he would always be there for me and he would never judge me”.

For the second question I asked what kinds of things do you like to do together, and he replied “We like to go out drinking, going to each others houses, listening to music while playing beer pong, we enjoy going to the casino, playing sports together, playing video games together and going to parties together; pretty much anything fun you could think of, I enjoy doing it with my friend”.

For the third question, I asked him if he ever told his friend how much he means to him, and how he reacted when he told him, and he answered “I only told him when we were drunk because when you’re drunk you say the truth, and he reacted in laughter because he was drunk too, but when we’re sober I would never tell him something like that because it’s not something manly to do; even though I do think it”.

Analysis: My boyfriend is like the usual norm of what being a “man” is. In “No man is an island: Men in relationships” Christopher Kilmartin states “the stereotypical imagine in the United States is that their relationships with one another focus on doing things together and tend to be emotionally shallow”(161). This example is just like his relationship with his friend, they do everything together that men tend to do but when it comes to emotion, the conversation stops and never gets deeper. I could tell when he says “even though I do think it” means he does really care about his friend but he’ll never bring himself to admit it or tell him because of his pride.

Interview:

Why are you close to your friend?

Him: I am close to my friend because I have known him for a long time. My best friend and I used to be neighbors. We have been playing and hanging out with one another since we were two years old. We used to live in the same apartment block. We would cross each others paths often and that’s how our friendship started. We started going to each others houses for supper and we would play outside together. As we grew up we found out we had a lot in common like sports, movies, and making each other laugh. Our relationship had grown so strong that even when we moved away from each other we still made sure to never lose touch. We now go to the same college together and share the same locker. We help each other through tough times like breakups and difficulties we encounter in life. We always have each others backs and that is why we are best friends. He is like a brother to me.

What kinds of things do you like to do together?

Him: Just being with him and passing time is enough. We enjoy playing sports like football and hockey together. My best friend and I love eating together and watching movies. We also enjoy playing video games such as league of legends and call of duty. We enjoy talking together whether it is about the stupidest things or the most serious things. We love going to parties with each other. We have an amazing bond together. My best friend and I support each other through everything and never judge each other.

Have you ever told your friend how much he means to you? If so what did you say and how did he react? If you have never told him how much he means to you, why not?

Him: I have never told my best friend how much he means to me. I feel as though my best friend already knows how I feel about him and how much I appreciate him. I feel as though explaining your love and feelings to someone is something that you do to your girlfriend or mother. Boys do not tell each other how much we love one another. We just show it by the things we do for each other. It is like a connection; a brotherhood.

Analysis:

I can tell by his answers that he is very close to his best friend. They seem to not only enjoy having fun together and going out but they also seem to be emotionally connected. As he said, “We enjoy talking together whether it is about the stupidest things or the most serious things.” As stated in the “No Man is an island: Men in Relationships” by Christopher Kilmartin on page 170, “Generally speaking, women often spend time talking about their experiences and feelings while men share activities (Lips, 2008).” I feel as though the male I have interviewed shows a different definition of what being a man is. He is not like the norm, He enjoys expressing his feelings which is great. It does not make him less of a man. Although the male I have interviewed is not shy to talk about his feelings to his best friend, he would never actually present his feelings for his friend himself. This makes him open to the fact that he can trust his friend to keep his secrets and feelings, demonstrating how great of a bond he has with his best friend but it will not allow him to verbally talk about how much he appreciates his friend. He does fall under the norm when Kilmartins’ story implies that men and boys tend to do activities together. They both play sports together and love eating or watching movies. the quality time they spend with one another seems to justify the lack of personal communications they have with each other and is more shown in the form of gestures. There are no I love yous when it comes to him and his best friend. It is but with a connection they know where there friendship stands.

By: Alexandra Rose Morgan Arseneau

When interviewing a male friend about their male best friend, I noticed many links between these men’s relationship and Kilmartin and Smiler’s work. When I asked my friend why they were so close to their best friend, they couldn’t immediately answer me. They told me this question was a hard one and then said that they became friends through playing football together. Clearly, this answer shows that their friendship is very activity-oriented. Indeed, they became friends through a common activity and became close through being on the same football team. This correlates to the theory presented in Kilmartin and Smiler’s work, which states that “male-only groups are often more activity based” (Kilmartin and Smiler 169). Studies prove that male friendships revolve more around activity, which is obviously the case here.

I also asked my friend about the kinds of things he likes to do with his best friend. He told me that it’s almost never just the two of them, they’re often hanging out as a group, mostly playing cards. This, again, relates to the theory presented in “No Man is an Island: Men in Relationships”. Indeed, these boys are clearly very activity-based, since my friend insisted on him and his friends almost always sitting around a deck of cards and playing a card game. The fact that his best friend and him almost never hang out alone also stood out to me and made me think about how other men I knew around me also tend to hang out in groups, again always “with the boys”. Moreover, I noticed that the activities that they do together do, in fact, involve some conversation. Besides playing cards, my interviewee told me that they sometimes go out to eat, or “just hang out”, which isn’t as activity-based and is obviously more conversation-involved.

Lastly, I asked my male friend if he has ever told his best friend how much he means to him. After some hesitation, he told me that he has told his best friend a few times that he appreciates him, but that his best friend is not “that kind of guy” and would tell him to “not be weird”. This, again, is very common among male-male friendships according to Kilmartin and Smiler. As stated on page 170, “the expression of closeness between men often takes the form of continuing to spend time with each other and helping each other with tasks weather than more direct expressions such as touching, or saying “I like you””. It is also suggested that boys have a harder time dealing with emotion, since they have always been taught to keep it all in, which explains why some boys might feel that their friendships aren’t very intimate. While I cannot assume anything about the relationship between my interviewee and their best friend, it is proven by many studies presented in “No Man is an Island” by Kilmartin and Smiler that many boys don’t know how to express their feelings and feel, therefore, like their relationships lack intimacy.